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nicnac54
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Name: Nicole
Country: United States
State: Illinois
Metro: Chicago
Birthday: 5/16/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Piano (started teaching myself in highschool), Track (ran for 7 years... miss it.. ALOT), Dance... also miss that... thinkin about tryin out for the dance team here or higher grounds.. hmmm
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  Nicnac54
Member Since:
2/1/2005
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| Soooo... I haven't updated this in forever... annnnd I'm bored.
updates updates... my brother and Aubrey are back together... living out in fucking BUFU Ottawa... Taryn is adorable, 13 n a half months old... calls aubrey by her first name... lol She's a riot, love of my life right there. But my god, babysitting her is my new birth control... there's no way in hell I'll be ready for kids ANNNNY time soon... or... later than soon... like... years... ah I can't even think about that
I completely changed my mind with school... I dropped my major... dropped JJC... dropped the old job... lol SO! Now what the hell am I up to you ask? Well, lets see... I just got a job at Kohl's right by my house... sales associate in Juniors (i get to be tempted by clothes I want to buy alllll day... yea.... fun shit) But, no... I do like it, its nice to be back in retail on the sales floor... I missed it. School... ok... prepare yourself for this... I have a completely new plan:
Northwestern Business College in the fall, for massage therapy... I'll be done by next December... then they have career placement assistance so I'm planning on working in a spa and then kohl's at night until that August... which I will then be going to C.O.D for physical therapy assisting... with those two degrees, my starting salary could/should be around 50 grand soooo thats nice. I was going to major in pre pysical therapy orignally but... then decided i didnt want to go to school for a bagillion years... and assisting only takes 2 years to complete sooo, yes, thats the plan... I wanted to live downtown but, I'm keeping an open mind... wherever I end up getting a job... is where I'll move to. I'm guna live at home until next May I think... pay off bills, save some money and then get an apartment in naperville since its by both the schools. I feel a little more at ease now that I have a plan... I was so lost there for a couple months... I had no idea where the fuck I was going... completely stressed out but... for the most part... my life seems to be back on some sort of track, which is promising.
What else... oh .. yea... still single... still hung up on the jackass? yes.. now that hes moved home its opened up a whole new level of drama for me, but... I'm trying to take new approach to it... kind of .. take it as it is... go with the flow... apparently that works for some people sooo why not try it
I don't really think anything else exciting has happened to me... I live in lemont... enough said
I miss Purdue like crazy... I have my moments where I get extremelllly sad about leaving my life behind there... but, i have to snap myself out of it and realize, academically there was nothing there for me. It's just hard leaving .. my life... my bubble... i miss my bubble lol Its nice to come back though... reminds me that everyone misses me too, and they're still there for me... maybe not in person constantly but... they're still there and they haven't forgotton about me..
Ok, this is long... and I'm pretty sure Kelly will be the only person to read this whole thing... unless one of the few poeple who get these things is extremely bored.... (Kelly... i miss you... you crazy little redhead you....)
PEACE OUT HOMAAAYYY  | | |
| oye... it's been a while huh, definitely since my last post was about you know who... *sigh* ... (keeping in mind that sigh, was an annoyed... "I'm glad this is ending" sigh) I'm done with relationships for a while after that whole thing. I need to get my life straight anyways right now... so that means emotionally too, and he wasn't helping that, just delaying the process. I ended up going to see him in florida, almost died friday nite... well.. saturday morning lol... its funny looking back but, i wanted to die when it was happening, i've never been that sick, he was at least sweet about it, took care of me and stayed in when I told him to go to the party everyone else was at... we ended up goin down to the beach that nite when i felt better, since it was the last nite id be there... and we just kinda walked for a while then stopped and ... the talk happened lol... it was one we needed to have but... as i realized within the past month... didn't mean much. He said what we both knew, we couldn't keep doing this... being so close emotionally like that when we're thousands of miles apart.. (or hundreds? i duno distances... sorry) And I was ok... but to me, over means over... its all or nothing... so we were then nothing, just friends... but the next day you could tell it wasn't like that in his eyes, he still wanted to be able to kiss me and hold my hand and I was just like... I know its my last day here but... I can't do this... I can't be liek that with you if I'm leaving you here not knowing when I'll even see you next... it was just a situation I never should've gotten myself into... I called it before it started, I didn't want to think into me and him cuz I'd end up like this... I'm ok, don't get me wrong... but theres more that happened since I went to see him that I don't feel like getting into in detail... I just can't trust him... and he's selfish... he wants whats convenient for him, and for him thats to have me as a friend, and more... but only when he feels like it. He thinks its ok to tell me he misses me, he would be with me no doubt if the situation were different ... but hello buddy... its not... It's really hard to get past the what if's and all the suspicions (wow i kno i spelled that wrong...) I have ... It'll just take some time. Main lesson: TRUST MY INSTICTS! ... I knew it was a mess waiting to happen, but... I never listen to my head... I can't beat myself up too much cuz I also made a huge decision that was one of the smartest and most mature, yet hardest i've ever made... I left Purdue, for several reasons... I miss it, and it hurts being away from the friends who had become my family and my rock through all the shit I've been going through in the past 2 years... but, for my career and my life, it was the best move... I'm home now, working full time at best buy, and goin to school full time at jjc... UIC next spring... excited for that but... putting that out of my mind and focusing on the here and now for once... not getting ahead of myself cuz thats gotten me in alot of trouble before. I'm doin well, it's 4 weeks into the semester and I got an A on my first exam! So thats nice... I'm getting my life back on track for myself... so in a way... I don't think its possible for me to start anything with anyone... i wouldnt have the time i would want with them... and i dont think im capable of it emotionally... I just need some time to myself, and I'm definitely getting it... So maybe when some time passes and I get back to the productive nicole... I can think about it but... i mean i dont have hot guys chasing me down at home either lol so, its half me not wanting it and half... not having the option... *yawn* ... alright... im guna make myself some food I think, im so lazy thou... but im not tired enough to just go to sleep... oye... work 2morow is guna suck if i dont go to bed soon thou... aight... im out... | | |
| ...ok... I slept through all of my classes today... I'm a waste of life... but... eh what can ya do. Going home this weekend is going to help alot, I need a break from everything... Blah Blah, lets get down to what I really needed to vent about, but dont feel like talking out loud to anyone about
Andrew...
Yea... so his flight gets in (Chicago in, not here in) tonite around 9ish... i just sent him a msg telling him to call me when he gets in so i kno his flight went ok and everything... what i didnt want to happen, is happening. I let myself let him back in, and now I'm paranoid... I'm afraid when he doesn't call, it means he didn't mean everything he said... but its not like he said "i'll call you" outloud and didn't. I'm not mad at him... not in the slightest... I'm just becoming paranoid... and I hate this feeling, I don't like being vulnerable to another person... I know that when ur in a relationship you have to open yourself up... you have to take chances... but I'm just... I'm so used to not opening up... and being the one to walk away. So maybe its a good thing, but... its not a fun feeling right now, the second he calls me these feelings will subside for a little while at least, but... this is so stupid... why am i so scared? well... hm, possibly because he's screwed me before... but, that was in highschool... and he was a different person back then... now, hes grown, i can see it... but i still have my doubts, and is that so wrong? Is it bitchy of me to not fully believe him when he says all the things he does? ... im still trying to figure that out. I really need to be able to trust him and trust IN him... Maybe this weekend will help out a little. Supposedly his weekend looks like thursday hes going to western, friday hes stayin here or possibly goin to st ambrose(if not then were hangin out), sat morning he wants to go to his bros football game, ill tag along probably... sat nite he wants to go to st xavier, and id go with him since those guys are my friends too, jakey poo! yea i miss him... cant believe that bastard shaved his head... weirdo lol... anyway... then sunday is the original day we had planned to see each other and spend time together... but i gotta leave by 5ish, cuz i have to be back here for chapter at 8. I had a dream the other nite that I came home, and he backed out of seeing me all weekend, i mean it was just a dream but when i woke up, i felt like shit so i called him... not becuase I didnt believe him... i told him about the dream and he laughed at me and heslike... ur retarded, im not guna do that i miss you just as much as you miss me, i cant wait to see you baby... i didnt call to hear him say that, but i felt better lol I duno... with everything thats been going on lately i just need to be home and be around some people who KNOW me.... know everything about me, and dont freak out on me for no reason... or tell me I'm always wrong... thats getting old... Its just so crazy how much my friends from home and my friends here are so different... I mean I know I've been friends with the people from home longer...but I dont remember them ever treating me how people treat me here... like... theyre still not used to the way I am and it doesnt make any sense to me... youd think after a while people would know when youre jokng, when youre mad, when youre happy... when ur just being a pain in the ass and need to be left alone... anna, val... steph... even kris... they dont flinch when i say something smartass because htye know id never outright offend them... i love them... andrew, jake... pat... even jeffs crazy ass... they understand me... so its just really hard for me to deal with people here when they freak out and always think im yelling at them, or being mean to them... its so frustrating... like i know when theyre fuckin around, when theyre sad, when to leave them alone... so why havent they learned that about me? im fairly predictable... lol sadly... i duno, little things are getting to me thats why i think its best that i just go home this weekend, be around the people who know and understand me and everything ive been going through lately...  *sigh* ok that was alot of much needed venting... I'm bored now, and i have a feeling dinner is guna be gross again, but i cant spend any more money... AH ANOTHER reason i cant wait to go home!!!! I CAN COOK FOR MYSELF!!! i definitely wana live outta house senior year... i want my own apartment, i want to cook for myself and have a place to myself... living with this many girls... is getting old very quickly... *yawn* ... ok im probably guna go cook.. er... reheat myself some pasta n go tanning... then do some study tables or somethin before step practice... i have to do 6 more hours, i already did six this week... go me... cuz of that damn paper... holy jesus ok this post is long... lol BYEEE | | |
| I have like 15 mins before my next wake so I figured I'd do something to make sure I didn't fall asleep and get my ass ANOTHER week of early wake. I haven't been to sleep yet... no nap yesterday.... and definitely not a good amount of sleep sat nite since i went to bed at like 3 something and i was hammered... so im guna pass out at 715 when im done with wake... and hopefully i can be up for my 1030... i need to be... so we'll see... maybe its a good thing i have wake this week ... cuz i need to get to bed at a decent time since i have 2 exams this week. So yea, andrews guna come visit me. Thursday the ..20th. Hes just guna come up around 6 when im done with classes, take me out to dinner, a movie 2 perhaps lol... then chill at the house with me for a lil while n head home that nite cuz hes leaving for western friday. This works out ALOT better than the previous plan of me going home on sat... now i dont have to go all the way home n back just for a day hehe, he can come to me :) I have to get his bday gift together today sometime so i can send it 2morow so it'll get there on or by saturday. I made him a CD... its pretty good, ill change it around 2morow probably when i have time, and i made a lyric printout for the whole cd and like the words that remind me of us in the songs i made red. I'm guna write him a letter about alot of things ive wanted to say to him but, because im me and im not emotional unless im drunk, i havent said. I need to work on that... eh eventually. I just get nervous when i think about what could happen with me and him... its a scary thing... commitment... ahh i think i just peed myself lol... *yawn* ... ok im listenin to this cd and it makes me wana cry lol maybe itll have somewhat of the same effect on him. Who knows... i shouldve learned by now not to trust myself with what i supposedly feel or think cuz i always get bored with things so easily... dump the guys... then when theyre over me, i like them again... its like i wana be miserable or something... im so weird lol... ok... back upstairs for the last of my wakes then im passin the fuck out for a couple hours... | | |
| *yawn*... just watched the notebook, duno why cuz ... well its a sad movie? But, I didn't cry one tear soooo, the fact that I'm dead inside has been confirmed... oye, eventually maybe I'll have feelings... when im sober lol
So... my brother is more fucked up than I thought, him and Aubrey are already getting a divorce, she's moving to Ottawa, IL... which is even further than they were to begin with... and my brother is moving back home... wtf? Honestly, my family is like a fucking soap opera... and I'm supposed to be the sane one, I'm supposed to be the one to keep my life in order and succeed... well, makes it kinda hard when ur family is... well, fucking insane... I need to get my shit together but, one thought of things back home and i can't concentrate on anything else and I kinda wana just give up. Starting this week I'm going to have study tables, going to give myself somewhat of a fresh start and make sure I go to class... I need to make grades this semester, or... I'm defintely going to be gone... and that thought scares me... but sometimes I honestly dont know what its going to take to make me go to class and focus... sometimes i honestly just dont wana try, and i dont know where this is coming from... i got good grades in highschool, i had my head on straight... then i came here and i ... well, i pretty much said fuck it to everything... i duno ahhhh i just need to get my shit together... and i wish this HR guy from target would frikin call me back so i could start working... if i dont start soon im screwed...oye
lifes retarded sometimes ya kno? ...
Miss andrew... but what else is new? He tells me the other day he got offered a job in colorado... then the next nite were both drunk and hes like saying i love you over n over again, telling me hell stay home if i want us to be together... and im drunk so im saying it back... ... were fucking retarded... i cant even think about being serious with someone... my parents getting a divorce after 23 years has fucked my thoughts of marriage... and now my brother? Just dont have very positive views of just being with one person, esp for that long... seems impossible... who knows.... but i do miss him alot, just duno if that will be able to go anywhere, i guess well see when we get home in may. I see him in a month, im guna go home on a saturday and go visit the guys at st xavier with him... itll be good to see him at least, his bitch ass better feel special that im coming home to see him...
I guess the only thing i've gotten out of all of this... is that its guna take one extremely strong guy to be with me... after all the things ive been through in the past couple of years, ... but i shouldnt even be thinking about that... oye!
OK... this post is ova... i need some sleep, cuz 2morow starts nicole gettin her ass in line mode... ... nite | | |
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